I'm not alone...

I am currently 17weeks pregnant. It has been a very humbling yet exciting journey thus far. For a little over two months I had pretty intense morning sickness. This mostly consisted of puking, eating, wishing I would just puke (repeat). One day I was laying in the bath tub feeling rather useless and I asked God why I was so sick. I felt the Spirit respond that God had to slow me down in order to show me the condition of my heart. So often we go through life finding significance everywhere except where it truly comes from. I have found significance in doing things, whether it be working, praying with a friend, washing a pot, basically I'm an all out do-er. God needed to undo my false sense of self worth and put it where it belongs. Over the two months I hardly attended church or other activities because of being sick. I found myself feeling left out even though it was really no ones fault. Some days I felt so lonely I'd find myself talking to the ducks in the tub, oh you think I'm joking. It's weird though because unless you know what you mean to God you can be in a room of people and feel alone. God has shown me that I'm not alone and that even when I was puking and crying, He was right there. He cares more about my heart than He does my comfort. Sometimes we create our own picture of how things will be "when I'm pregnant...." "when I'm married...." etc. God has so much more in store for us than we could even think up. He has shown me how strong He is. He got me through all my heartaches, and I don't have to protect myself. I don't have to be nervous about giving birth because He is my strength and He will be there with me always. He isn't a man that He would lie, and He loves me with a love that will never run out. :o) He showed me how perfect His timing is. I felt like I was ready to be pregnant awhile before I actually got pregnant (notice all the I's in that statement). God gave me a picture of my last semester of school and how if I would have been pregnant then it would have been a big mess. His timing is truly perfect, and He deserves our trust. I must also add that my husband took such great care of me. He would make me food, bring me strawberry italian sodas, let me cry about who even knows what, played rounds of yahtzee with me while I was in the bath, and tuck me in everynight. Phil is the best man I've ever known and I know he is going to be the most amazing father.

With all that being said the last couple weeks have been great. Sure I've had some not so precious moments with the toilet but it's ok. I'm ok because He is taking care of me. I've had many appointments in the past months and we (Phil and I) have been able to see the baby. The first ultrasound the baby looked like a little blob. We could see the heartbeat though and even hear it! I felt like it was saying "mama and papa, I'm here" it was awesome. Our second ultrasound was so real. The baby was scrunching its legs and arms and then extending them. It hardly kept still but we did get a few photos. As soon as I saw it moving the tears came streaming down my face. At that point I felt as if the baby was saying "mama I'm ok." I had been so sick I worried that it may cause harm to the baby but God had been taking care of it, just as He had with me. The last week especially God has put a fire under my bottom and I'm listening to Him to see what He wants me to do. God prompted me to go to a Bible study yesterday and it was amazing. God gave me insight into the Holy Spirit that in all my years of being a Christian I have never had. Since then I feel like I'm in constant conversation with Him. It's been pretty intense. We talked about how narrow is the way to heaven and that we can't just aim at anything. I got prayer that God would reveal where He wants me to aim right now. It seems that much of my life I have been doing what I want to do (some of it lined up with God, much of it selfishly). So now I'm asking God what do you want- for me, for Phil, for baby, for EVERYTHING! I will wait on Him, He has the perfect answers. :o)

I heard this song recently and I felt like God was singing it over me. Jason Upton gives a little intro about the song. Currently I've listened to it probably over 20 times. The REALLY neat thing is that the baby can now hear so it's listening too.

Emma's Song by Jason Upton

Don’t be afraid baby don’t you cry
Daddy’s here it will be all right
You’re not alone you’re not alone
Don’t be afraid when you’re cold at night
I will keep you warm I will hold you tight
You’re not alone you’re not alone

Look beyond the window there
To the sky above to the open air
Look beyond what you can see
Close your eyes and just believe

The lion roars and the lamb lays down
They live together in a whole new town
They’re calling me and they’re calling you
From the cold hard facts that we’re on our own
To the age old truth that we’re not alone

Don’t be afraid when you scrape your knee
I’ve got a band aide waiting and a kiss for free
You’re not alone you’re not alone
Don’t be afraid of your blind belief
Because the more you fly the more you’ll see
You’re not alone you’re not alone

Look beyond the window there
To the sky above to the open air
Look beyond what you can see
Close your eyes and just believe

The lion roars and the lamb lays down
They live together in a whole new town
They’re calling me and they’re calling you
From the cold hard facts that we’re on our own
To the age old truth that we’re not alone

Don’t be afraid little warrior bride
Your victory’s on the other side
You’re not alone you’re not alone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQyI2PfmjUI&feature=related